LIFE And The Power Of Listening
By Oluwole Solanke PhD, FCIB
Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give another human being is not advice, but attention.
I remember a conversation that taught me an important lesson about human relationships.
Someone was speaking to me about a difficult experience. I was listening, but, if I am being completely honest, I was already preparing my response. I had an explanation ready. I had advice ready. I even thought I knew where the conversation was going.
Then I realised something.
The person did not really need my solution at that moment.
The person needed to be heard.
That experience reminded me that there is a difference between hearing someone and listening to someone.
We hear with our ears, but we listen with our minds, our hearts and our humanity.
And sometimes, listening can be more powerful than speaking.
“Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.” — Stephen R. Covey
Listening Is A Form Of Respect
When we genuinely listen to another person, we are saying something without speaking:
“You are important to me.”
Think about how you feel when someone puts away their phone, looks at you, gives you their attention and allows you to finish your thoughts without interruption.
You feel valued.
Now think about the opposite.
You are talking, but the other person is looking at the phone.
You are explaining yourself, but they are already preparing an argument.
You are sharing your pain, but they are comparing it with their own experience.
You may eventually stop talking.
Not because you have nothing to say, but because you have concluded that nobody is really listening.
That is why listening is not merely a communication skill.
Listening is respect in action.
The World Is Full Of People Who Want To Be Heard
We live in a noisy world.
Everybody has an opinion.
Everybody wants to comment.
Everybody wants to respond.
Social media has made it easier than ever to speak, react, criticise and express ourselves.
But perhaps one of the greatest shortages in modern society is not information.
It is attention.
People are surrounded by conversations but sometimes feel completely unheard.
A child may be asking for attention.
A spouse may be asking for understanding.
A colleague may be struggling silently.
An elderly parent may simply want somebody to sit down and listen to their stories.
A student may need encouragement rather than criticism.
A friend may be carrying a burden that they have never shared with anyone.
Sometimes the question is not:
“What should I say?”
The better question is:
“Am I listening carefully enough to understand?”
Listening Can Heal Relationships
Many relationships do not break because love completely disappears.
Sometimes they break because communication becomes a competition.
One person speaks.
The other interrupts.
One explains.
The other defends.
One complains.
The other counterattacks.
Eventually, nobody is listening anymore.
When listening disappears, misunderstanding grows.
And when misunderstanding grows, emotional distance often follows.
There are moments when saying:
“I understand how you feel. Tell me more.”
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” — Ernest Hemingway
Listen Before You Give Advice
We often assume that whenever somebody tells us about a problem, they are asking for a solution.
Not always.
Sometimes they simply want companionship in their difficult moment.
When somebody says, “I am tired,” they may not be asking you to give them a motivational speech.
When somebody says, “I am confused,” they may not need you to immediately tell them what to do.
When somebody says, “I am hurting,” they may simply need someone who will sit beside them emotionally and say:
“I am here. Tell me what happened.”
There is a time for advice.
But there is also a time for silence.
Wisdom is knowing the difference.
The Power Of Listening In Leadership
Listening is especially important in leadership.
A leader who refuses to listen may eventually become surrounded by people who tell him only what he wants to hear.
That is dangerous.
Good leadership requires the courage to hear different perspectives.
In higher education, for example, institutional problems are rarely solved by one voice alone. Management, academic staff, non-academic staff, students, unions and other stakeholders may see the same issue from completely different angles.
A listening leader does not necessarily agree with everyone.
That is not the purpose of listening.
The purpose is to understand before deciding.
A leader can listen to criticism without becoming defensive.
A leader can listen to disagreement without treating disagreement as disloyalty.
A leader can listen to uncomfortable information without attacking the messenger.
Indeed, sometimes the person who tells us an uncomfortable truth is giving us a valuable gift.
Listen To Those Who Disagree With You
One of the hardest forms of listening is listening to someone who disagrees with us.
It is easy to listen when someone praises us.
It is much harder when someone challenges our opinion.
But disagreement can teach us something.
The person who disagrees with you may be wrong.
But you may also discover that you have overlooked something.
Listening does not mean surrendering your principles.
It means giving understanding an opportunity before judgment takes over.
“The art of conversation lies as much in listening as in speaking.”
A mature person does not need to win every conversation.
Sometimes the goal is simply to understand.
Listen To What Is Not Being Said
One of the deepest forms of listening is listening beyond words.
Sometimes a person says:
“I am fine.”
But their voice says something different.
Sometimes someone laughs while carrying enormous pain.
Sometimes silence communicates disappointment more clearly than anger.
Sometimes a person who normally talks endlessly suddenly becomes unusually quiet.
Pay attention.
Human beings communicate through words, tone, silence, facial expressions and behaviour.
The wise listener does not become a mind-reader or make assumptions. Instead, they gently ask:
“Are you really okay?”
That question may open a door that someone desperately needed to open.
Listening To Yourself
There is another person we sometimes forget to listen to:
ourselves.
In the noise of modern life, we listen to everybody else.
We listen to society.
We listen to social media.
We listen to expectations.
We listen to critics.
We listen to friends.
But do we listen to our conscience?
Do we listen to our dreams?
Do we listen to our fears?
Do we listen to that quiet inner voice telling us that something in our lives needs to change?
Sometimes we need to step away from the noise.
Sit quietly.
Think.
Reflect.
Pray.
And listen.
“The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.”
Silence is not necessarily emptiness.
Sometimes silence is where wisdom speaks.
Listen To Your Children
Children grow quickly.
One day they are asking endless questions.
Then suddenly they are teenagers.
Then adults.
Then they have their own homes and responsibilities.
While they are young, listen to their stories.
Listen to their dreams.
Listen to their seemingly insignificant complaints.
Listen even when the story sounds repetitive.
Because one day, you may wish you could hear those little voices again.
A child who knows that home is a safe place to speak is more likely to return home when life becomes difficult.
Listen To Your Parents While You Can
There is another painful reality of life:
People do not remain with us forever.
Parents grow old.
Friends pass away.
Loved ones leave us.
Sometimes the stories we found boring yesterday become the stories we desperately wish we could hear again tomorrow.
So, while they are still here, listen.
Ask questions.
Record their memories.
Learn about their childhood.
Hear their stories.
Because one day, the chair may still be there, but the person who used to sit in it may no longer be there.
Listening And Compassion
Every human being is carrying a story we may know nothing about.
The person we consider difficult may be dealing with something privately.
The person who appears strong may be exhausted.
The person who seems successful may be fighting a hidden battle.
The person who appears happy may be grieving.
This does not mean we should excuse wrongdoing.
It simply means we should be careful about judging people without understanding their circumstances.
Listening gives us context.
And context often creates compassion.
Two Ears And One Mouth
There is an old piece of wisdom that says we were given two ears and one mouth so that we might listen more and speak less.
Whether taken literally or metaphorically, the lesson remains powerful.
We do not have to respond to everything.
We do not have to correct everyone.
We do not have to win every argument.
We do not have to demonstrate how much we know.
Sometimes the wisest response is:
“Tell me more.”
Sometimes the strongest response is silence.
Sometimes the most loving response is simply:
“I am listening.”